Death of the Pastor’s Wife and the Failure of the Church

I recently watched Death of the Pastor’s Wife on Netflix. This 3-part documentary tells the story of Mica Miller, who was abused by her husband, John-Paul (JP) Miller, and died — either by suicide or by “murder by suicide” as her brother put it.

Unequal Power Underlies Abuse

In my writing about sexual abuse in the church, I highlight the fact that sexual abuse is always the abuse of power. This basic fact is too often overlooked, especially within churches. Church communities love the narrative that we are all family, fellow believers, all equal in God’s eyes. This narrative flattens the very real power dynamics at play.

Notice all the ways that JP had power over Mica. 

• JP was 15 years older than Mica. They met when she was younger than 16. 
• When they met, Mica was vulnerable. Mica’s mother had just divorced and for a time the family had nowhere to live. Mica was hurting when she came to Solid Rock Church for solace. A vulnerable person is always a person with less power.
• JP was the pastor, with the power of the pulpit. He was not only a man, he was a man who spoke for God.
• JP was Mica’s boss. Mica became JP’s assistant when she was 18. At the time he was 33 and the married father of four. Their relationship began as an affair at his instigation.
• Mica was musically gifted, with a beautiful singing voice, and aspired to be a Worship Leader. When she was eventually hired in that capacity, JP continued to be her boss. When she balked at his instructions, he threatened to destroy her career.

When Sexual Abuse is Spiritual Abuse

Because the abuser was a pastor, what happened to Mica was not only sexual, emotional, physical, and financial abuse. It was also spiritual abuse. This is one of the most painful things that can happen to a person who seeks to please God. It puts the person in an inescapable bind and takes away their most important form of comfort.

• JP preached frequently about gender roles. The documentary showed him quoting a proof-text (1 Corinthians 7) that a woman owed her husband sex whenever he wanted it. In his case, that meant up to six times a day.
• In the home JP also used scripture to justify his sexual abuse. He asserted that wives were required to submit to their husbands sexually at all times. What’s more, the wife was responsible when the husband “sinned” sexually.
• Mica had been groomed to spiritualize the abuse. JP was not just demanding sex from her at his will. He was enacting his God-given right as her husband and pastor.
• JP told Mica that the church would be harmed if he had to face the consequences of his behavior. Mica believed this falsehood.
• Mica had a strong desire to serve God by serving the church. This desire was used to manipulate her. She did not want the church as a whole, or the people in the church, to suffer because of her problems with JP.

Church Polity Matters

I often speak on the topic of sexual abuse within faith communities. People sometimes suggest that certain types of church polity (political structure) make abuse impossible. That is not true, of course. But it IS true that sometimes polity can provide safeguards. (Although it is my belief that the character of the people inhabiting the polity roles is the most crucial piece of the puzzle.)

A loose polity can make abuse more likely because it lacks safeguards. Solid Rock Church lacked denominational ties, had little turnover in leadership, and provided zero oversight of the pastor by the elders. Solid Rock Church was a perfect breeding ground for abuse. 

The last episode of the series revealed that JP’s father, who was also a pastor, had a criminal record for fraud. Few details were supplied. But even that bare fact shows that JP had a front row seat to learn how church leaders can abuse their power.

Looking at this story from a polity angle, notice that:

• A clergywoman who knew about JP’s affair with Mica assumed it was a one time event. She did not hold him accountable. (Hiring a clergywoman is not an automatic fail-safe, as I discuss in my book).
• The elders of Solid Rock Church (which included his best friends) failed to hold JP accountable. Despite knowing that Mica was suffering, they showed no regard for her well being. (How I wish that this was an unusual reality.)
• The documentary explicitly states that the church structure did not provide any controls over the pastor. If the elders had been interested in protecting Mica, they were toothless.

When Mental Illness is Used Against the Victim

Mental illness is also part of this story, although details are murky. The words “bipolar” and “manic episode” are tossed about, along with the statement that Mica took lithium and Seroquel. Did any medical professional inquire about the circumstances of her life? It is not unusual for women’s psychological suffering to be dismissed and belittled. 

Still, the details of this story are devastating.

• Mica had her first mental break after undergoing anesthesia for breast augmentation. JP insisted she undergo this surgery shortly before their wedding.
• JP used Mica’s supposed mental illness to control her by threatening to withhold medication.
• Mica received counseling from a “biblical counselor” which is not the same as professional care by a trained professional.
• Mica’s supposed mental illness gave JP an excuse to divulge their marital troubles publicly. He did this under the guise of requesting prayer for Mica, who was identified as the problem, which no person seemed to question.

So much more could be said about this complicated story. I’d love to hear your thoughts.

If You’re Suffering

If you’re experiencing sexual abuse within a faith community and are looking for resources, I’d be happy to send you a copy of my book for the cost of shipping. Just contact me and ask.  

The #MeToo Reckoning: Facing the Church’s Complicity in Sexual Abuse and Misconduct.